Butter sea~

Pensaba en algunas cosas. En los problemas que un valioso amigo me habia puesto en cara, que si bien sabia que estaban ahi, ignoraba la repercusion de estos. Problemas graves con mi personalidad. Y no es que me moleste quien soy, me acepto y trato de entender que es mi forma de ser, pero hay tantos pequenios "quirks" que odio de mi. Porque se que hace 12 anios atras, yo no deseaba esto para mi. Solia ser mas madura, mas centrada de mente y mas fuerte, en el sentido de que nada podia mover mi forma de pensar, si pensaba de una manera, actuaba igual, no este manojo de contradicciones, hipocresia e imperfeccion, yo no era esa persona que ahora soy. And i hate every single bit of it. Claro, estoy trabajando en ello, poco a poco, pero a veces me desespera y me averguenzo de mi misma. Como carajos llegue a estar como estoy ahora? Y porque? Despues se preguntan porque ando emo, es que se que me da coraje aveces.

Ugh, volvieron los post amargosos... :S ew...

Sayo~

Oh baby, i've been told that i'm goin' crazy~

(I fukken wish i had this body)

So i thought that i was ok. I was getting skinnier and shit... but damn WAS I WRONG! I can't do this alone, somehow i need Ana, i can't do it alone. From the wonderful 169lbs i got to 172.6lbs today.... I find myself preparing fattening food and binging like crazy, when i had like 2 months of good behavior. Seems like i CANNOT eat cuz otherwise, the pounds are gonna creep in AGAIN, and God knows i'm not letting this happen again, fuck noes!! I'm in such rage right now, i can't even think straight...

Ugh.... i'm training myself again to HATE by all cost all the food, i'm gonna survive with apples, vitamins, tea and cold water only, maybe... maaaybe i'll eat some meat once a week so i don't feel that bad. God, this is IT!! I can't believe i was so naive to trust that damn food, fuck! I need to drop 40 lbs from here to June, so i need to work extra hard, even more now that mom didn't renewed my gym membership, i guess i'll do some exercise here, any ideas u guys :S?

I'm so lost, but i know i'm gonna get outta this somehow.

Or i'll die trying.

Sayo~