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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/JennaLeeSaint

Expectations are hell~

It's been a while.

But i always come back to write shit that bothers me. Like expectations. Yesterday, while i was in Boston visiting my little bro, i took a moment to see (500) Days of Summer because my ex-husband told me it was the most amazing romcom ever, and that i'd enjoy it. And i did, i was forcing myself not to cry, because the storyline it's just the story of my life. Being heartbroken, always. Being the one who is cursed. Loving people who either don't deserve it or they won't return my feelings. Then again, nobody asked me to fall in love with them, but it hurts anyways.

Now, why the title? Why not a piece of a lyric of a song like i always do?

Because it's true.

Most of the time, my imagination is fucked. It creates this scenarios and this situations that, even tho very inside of me i know wouldn't happen, they kinda give me hope. It should be illegal for me to do that. :( Getting all happy for something that is so fragile and so ephemeral... i am ashamed. For a brief moment, i thought "we could actually live like this" and i saw myself growing old with him again, doing the same mistake i made months again. WTF is wrong with me? I need to stop it, even if we were on a relationship, which i fucking doubt, i wouldn't want to wake up every morning wondering if he still loves me, cuz let's be clear, i know i don't make him feel half as good or happy as he makes me feel. He's the one who only with saying hi drives me nuts and gives me a myriad of butterflies and i'm the one who would have to change myself to the core just to have him around. And i guess is not worthy. Yet still hurts... he still has a big part of my heart that he ripped a while ago, after all these years together, i can't help it.

Change of topic... gotta find some hobbie to do with my damn free time... ugh... organization fail lately...

And im stuck in the 167lbs... FML...

Sayo~

Butter sea~

Pensaba en algunas cosas. En los problemas que un valioso amigo me habia puesto en cara, que si bien sabia que estaban ahi, ignoraba la repercusion de estos. Problemas graves con mi personalidad. Y no es que me moleste quien soy, me acepto y trato de entender que es mi forma de ser, pero hay tantos pequenios "quirks" que odio de mi. Porque se que hace 12 anios atras, yo no deseaba esto para mi. Solia ser mas madura, mas centrada de mente y mas fuerte, en el sentido de que nada podia mover mi forma de pensar, si pensaba de una manera, actuaba igual, no este manojo de contradicciones, hipocresia e imperfeccion, yo no era esa persona que ahora soy. And i hate every single bit of it. Claro, estoy trabajando en ello, poco a poco, pero a veces me desespera y me averguenzo de mi misma. Como carajos llegue a estar como estoy ahora? Y porque? Despues se preguntan porque ando emo, es que se que me da coraje aveces.

Ugh, volvieron los post amargosos... :S ew...

Sayo~

Oh baby, i've been told that i'm goin' crazy~

(I fukken wish i had this body)

So i thought that i was ok. I was getting skinnier and shit... but damn WAS I WRONG! I can't do this alone, somehow i need Ana, i can't do it alone. From the wonderful 169lbs i got to 172.6lbs today.... I find myself preparing fattening food and binging like crazy, when i had like 2 months of good behavior. Seems like i CANNOT eat cuz otherwise, the pounds are gonna creep in AGAIN, and God knows i'm not letting this happen again, fuck noes!! I'm in such rage right now, i can't even think straight...

Ugh.... i'm training myself again to HATE by all cost all the food, i'm gonna survive with apples, vitamins, tea and cold water only, maybe... maaaybe i'll eat some meat once a week so i don't feel that bad. God, this is IT!! I can't believe i was so naive to trust that damn food, fuck! I need to drop 40 lbs from here to June, so i need to work extra hard, even more now that mom didn't renewed my gym membership, i guess i'll do some exercise here, any ideas u guys :S?

I'm so lost, but i know i'm gonna get outta this somehow.

Or i'll die trying.

Sayo~

Cuz we are broken~

This is just an "im-alive" post :D!!

Down to 169lbs!

More to go :P!!

Sayo~

Ignorance is yr new best friend~

So, idk what to say. Im in 175 :D yay me! But i haven't lose a single pound cuz i overdid it in Thanksgiving, at least im not fatter ;) that's all that matters. I guess i'll need to starve a lil more and go back to excersise~ Oh my, so many things to do... so little time.

Sayo~